It's all gone; it's different, out with the old and in with the new. The grief and feeling of loss have been something that completely sideswiped me. Any brain injury leaves you with potentially life-changing effects, there's cognitive and physical, but I didn't expect mental health to play a part. Life-changing is quite literally the case. I feel like I'm living an alternate reality and a totally different life. You aren't able to say goodbye to your old self, you've automatically changed in to someone who feels totally different.
I remember life prior. I don't like "new", and change has never been my thing. It's been two years, and I still struggle with accepting what's happened, though I'm better at it than I used to be. Initially, I wanted to deny it, bury my head in the sand, and pretend it never happened. I've always been stubborn and determined, so from the start, I decided to make as much effort as I could. I'm fortunate to have the amazing support of my family and friends and a lot of effort put in by a wonderful team of healthcare professionals. Combine both of these with my determination, and it's the reason I've come as far as I have.
Obviously, I miss my old life, easily using a computer, my love of reading and my independence. Whilst the help I receive is invaluable and hugely appreciated, I miss being able to do things on the spur of the moment. As someone who is naturally self critical computers is the one thing I knew I was good at and now due to my eyesight and left-hand this is harder. I'm much slower with computers, and my enjoyment of reading has severely diminished; it is much more tiring. I'm independent where I can be, but due to limited mobility and partial vision loss, there are restrictions. As I said, help from people means a lot to me, but at the same time, I am in my 30s, so losing independence is kind of crushing.
The contrast between your old life and new is so difficult to describe. You don't have a chance to grieve your old self, it happens instantly, the change comes out of the blue. It is like you have become an entirely new person but with the memories of your pre-stroke life. Understanding it yourself is impossible, so explaining it to others is incredibly difficult. I'm stubborn, so the new reality and the fact that life has changed is what I've struggled with the most. I was never confident, so changes to my physical appearance and skill set have been hard to deal with. I'm much better than I used to be as I found various ways to manage. The most beneficial one has been using a journal and seeing a therapist.
As someone who is not naturally open with emotions, speaking to a therapist is a confidential, unbiased opinion where I don't have to worry about offending someone if I talk about anything negative. Because I'm incredibly closed off, a journal has been perfect for me because no one will ever read it. I have various other hobbies, such as random arts and crafts, and if I can take my mind away from any negativity, it helps. I know that if I focused only on the grief of my past life. I'd crumble. It's part of the reason why I created this website.
To conclude this blog, the biggest advice I can give to both fellow survivors and healthcare professionals is not to ignore mental health. I did not expect anything and was completely floored by it. For me, there has been an element of denial. I'm more accepting of it than I used to be, but I don't know if I've accepted it 100%; I know it's something I need to learn to live with.
I'm not sure if you ever move on or eventually learn to be at peace with the changes.
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